As many of you know, my dear wife Angela and I were married for over 30 years until she died of cancer last year. Reflecting back on our relationship (which I seem to do often these days), I remember the first year of our marriage relationship. Angela always had many girl friends, and during that first year, she spent many hours on the phone speaking with various friends, sometimes late into the night. It did not bother me. I was glad she was happy (or so I thought). The extent of my communication skill development growing up in a family of four boys was mostly how to eat the most at the kitchen table faster than my brothers to ensure I got enough to eat before all the food was gone. Not much conversation happened at meal time.
Toward the end of that first year, Angela got into the car while I was about to back out of the garage and she uttered these words: “This just is not working for me?” I said “What is not working?” She said, “You don’t talk with me about what I am feeling. I have to talk to girl friends when I should be talking to you. You should be my best friend, and you are not?”
I did not respond right away. I was in a state of shock. Frankly, at first I had no idea what she was talking about. I thought things were going great and that she was happy. I know that I was. But slowly, the realization set in that my wife was miserable with me and I had a choice to make: Would our marriage come to an end, or would I learn about what this wonderful person whom I married wanted and needed from me and would I be able to provide it to her so that we would stay together.
We can all agree that quality communication skills are a critical component for becoming successful in building relationships in any kind of environment; personal or business. Here is what I learned from my wife that has application in business:
- If you are going to be there, you need to really be there and involved with all of your heart and soul. You have to be committed.
- You have to get out of your comfort zone. You don’t grow personally and professionally by playing it safe or staying comfortable. The world will leave you behind, and so might your spouse, or your business.
- I had to learn how Angela felt about things by asking deeper and more meaningful questions, which was not something I was very good at. The five levels of communication that follow were adapted from material created by Wheaton Bible College in Wheaton, Illinois and they can serve all of us well both in our personal relationships as well as working with our teams .
- The first level of communication is what one may call banal or cliché conversation. This is what everyone has with one another (even with strangers) and what I was used to growing up with my brothers. Nothing is really given at this level. Some interaction has taken place, but no real risk has been taken. “Hey, how are you?” “Hey Dude” “What’s up?”
- The second level of communication is the reporting of external facts. “Great weather we are having today” “How about those Dallas Cowboys?” “Where did you go to school?” In this level, nothing about the person is actually communicated or revealed. It is just what people personally observe. Again, no risks are taken. Both level 1 and level 2 are where most guys live most of the time.
- The third level of communication is when one shares their personal ideas, judgments, or opinions. Risks are taken at this level because we can make others angry, and draw criticism toward ourselves from others who don’t share our beliefs or opinions. “What do you think about that situation?” or “What is your opinion about that?”
- The fourth level of communication is when one talks about one’s feelings or emotions. I don’t think I ever reached this level of communication prior to marriage, but it is the level of communication that Angela was starving for from me and where she thrived. This made me a much better communicator. She had many best friends, most from different backgrounds and very unique personalities. But they all enjoyed deep and meaningful relationships with her. Sharing one’s feelings with someone else leaves you much more vulnerable than simply sharing your thoughts or ideas.
i. So how does this relate to your business, team or organization:
In business, members of a healthy and dynamic team or organization must share more than facts with each other. They have to take risks and have the courage to reveal with one another how things make them feel. “So how did all of that make you really feel?’ “I know that you have been dealing with this situation for a long time and you must be disappointed not to have achieved the goal you set for yourself. Are you feeling like you want to quit?”
5. Finally, the fifth level of communication is what is called peak communication. It is not experienced every day. It is consistent and open communication of feelings between two people that brings about spontaneous moments of what might feel like perfect, and mutual emphatic understanding. You know the other person at the same time that they know you. I have to say that I did develop an excellent communication level with my wife and there were many times that we enjoyed and savored these moments together, especially during her final bout with cancer.
Can we expect our business, teams or organizations to enjoy peak communication on a regular basis? No, but it is possible to savor those moments and to expect them when your team is operating every day with the courage to challenge one another to communicate about feelings and emotions.